I had a weird dream. 

 I was sitting at a bar.  I know something unussual for me right?  There was a very beautiful young woman bartendar serving me.  I was sitting at the bar waiting for someone or something.  After several min the bar tendar came up and asked if I wanted anything, I told her my personal ussual Rum -Coke- Grenadine - 2 cherries.   She steped away seeming petterbed.  I was ofcourse confused, the rum/coke mixture in my mind in the bar tenders freind,  you poor rum in a glass and find the soda dispenser and put coke in it.  The hardest part is not getting lost between the liqour counter and the soda.  So I contiued waiting for whom ever I was suppose to meet, the longer I sat it seemed I was meeting a whom. 

Finnaly my drink arrived.  I thanked the bar tender as she put the glass down.   She started to walk away, took two steps and came back to me.   At that moment it wass revealed to me who she was,  as she asked me If i knew.  She was a girl I dated once a while back, that i had once had an ugly break up with.   I cordialy smiled, and said yes, and asked her how she had been, at which time a slue of people appeared and were not waiting to be served. 

Then I woke up.

Any ideas on what it means? I kinda think its hilarious

Banging my head against the wall

So I finnaly thought I was getting over the girl from last summer.   After alittle convencing ... I de freinded her on facebook,  deleted her from myspace and my phone.  I was under the impression I wouldnt have to deal with her at all this summer.  I mean yah, CP iss close to her home .... but I didnt think that there would be a possibility that she would want to come back to CP and work.

Well I was wrong .. .. .. Yesterday a mutial freind called me, to get and give the latest gossipe for CP summer 09.  She let it slip that the girl was coming back .......Shit!

In other news .... I am going to Conneticut for spring break to see my sister and her children.  I am procrastinating on alot of things in my life .... and I am tired of endless circles when it comes to dealing with certain people ....Either act on emotion or dont .... but if you dont .....I am out of here.

Where'd I left my keys?

I realized the other day that I was missing my keys.  Some how in the transit of my day I had misplaced them.  I went over my day in my head, retraced my steps.  I could not rember when I had last had them used them.  I followed a freind into the hall of my dorm, and stood in front of my room with a frustrated curiousity.  I stared at the handle of my room with a question in my heart.   "How am I going to get in there?"  The question I asked my self seemed pretty linear.  I am here -- I want to be there......How?   How do I manage that?

I was standing out side of what most would not realize is my sanctuary, my place of hiding.  In my room, I am me, I control what happens in my room.  No one comes in or out with out my saying so.  It is mine.   I am in control. 

I lost control the moment I misplaced the keys.

I was standing in front of the door weighning my options.

1.  I could just hang out here all day and pretend nothing is wrong.

2. I could go to the libary and study, while I weigh my options

3. I can force myself to seek out help, weather from campus safty, an RA, or the first person I find with a lock picking set.

Myself, being of Male persuassion am not likly to admedeatly pick option 3, stood and thought about it.  As I began to turn and head for the libary.  A voice deep insid of me ask What are you doing?  Interior monologue seems to accure very often when I am by myself. What are you doing? It asked again.  I began to be shocked by the voices persistance.

What are you doing?   I was taken back the complexity of the question yet the simplicity of the answer I had in return. I mumbled "I'm going to the......" Yes but why? This conversation seemed to be taking a turn that I didn't want to go.   "Because  I lost my keys."  At that moment I rembered I had not lost my keys.  I did not take my the keys with me this morning.  The keys where now siting on the shelf by my desk.  My answer quickly changed to "I left the keys in....."   So?  I was quickly becoming irritated with the voice but knew that I could manage myself.   So?  I replied "So? Its in there and I am out here."  The voice with the sort f flippedness I can not even normaly imagined said So your saying that you can not go in there, because your keys are in there?  Since when has your keys had a personality so large to fill a room and keep you out?  "The door is locked" I replied in deffense.   Is it? Is it really?  At that moment I realized that I had not put a hand on the knob into my room, I had merely stared at it in curiousity.  Go get your keys. 

I reached for the handled and turned.

In Mathew 7:7 it is the famous "Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, Knock and the door will opened."

I would like give it my own personal spin.  

Ask all the questions, Seek for what is true, and key's do not matter if the door is unlocked

Matthew 7:7
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Chapter 5

  ***Next Chapter in Book .... Comments to sweet_guy_4all_u@hotmail.com

          Matt was as shocked as the technician next to him of what came out of his mouth.  Matt tended to have crushes but he could keep them to himself, usually.  Usually, meaning he had gotten himself in trouble again.  Matt tended to speak before he thought and put his foot in his mouth on occasion.  There was a tendency for him to forget who he was, his place in life, where he belonged.  These moments in his life were that in which he was more vulnerable than he would allow anyone to know.  This time he just happened to call dibbs on the new secretary.    He had not even caught her name and he knew that the glow from her was more than what he ever could understand or conceive.  

            In life, there are those looking for adventure and those who have not yet realized that they are there.  Discovering your adventure lies in knowing your passion.   As a man, you wonder is it "safe" to even mention the word passion let alone consider what one's deepest interests, talents, and gifts might be.   As personal as a passion might be, it may be your tool to understanding yourself and those around you.

            Consider the light bulb, dose a light bulb have a personality, a passion?  Ok, probably not.  But it was built with a purpose.  The purpose of the light bulb is to shine.  Very few things are privileged to shine, to glow, to illuminate.  Under further evaluation of the creation theory, light was created first.   Fiat Lux, the Latin words let there be light.  The greater purpose of a light bulb was fulfilled in the original design but together with stars, and the sun the light bulb helps to create continuous light.  Just because you may have a similar passion to someone else, you both can be successful in achieving your passion in different ways.

            Matt was no light bulb;   he thought he was not meant to shine.  Or at least he thought so.    He may have been pleasant to work with but he was not necessarily always a willingly outgoing person.  He just had moments of outburst that were full of pure emotional vulnerability. He seemed to try and hide it any way possible, but he failed often. He would even go the extent to explain common emotions away.   When asked if he'd believed in love at first sight he would go into his slogan on how he believed love was not a feeling but an action, a choice.   Despite his empathetic answer he was that of such a hopeless romantic at heart.  Of course he believed in love at first sight but he would not admit it.  He was always intentional in the words he chooses to use always, making sure not to use the “L” word to much (Like).  Heaven for bid that Matt would ever fall in Love, he would not know what to do with himself.

When looking back on the day’s events Matt, was enthralled with the thoughts of this young woman.  He could not put his finger on it, but something about her kept his mind spinning.  The split second decision to “Call Dibbs” seemed ridiculous the moment after he said it.   But laying in bed the words spun like a ceiling fan around the mental image he created.  The young woman seemed to him, to have a smile that softened the room around them.  He was confused at what this meant for the coming days at work.

The next day, in Paradise Park, it was more working hanging lights, running cable; it seemed like another average day in the park for the technicians.  But for Matt it was not normal.  He still could not get his mind back to work.  The worst part was that all of the guy techs knew about his little slip, calling “Dibbs” and he was a running joke.  Matt was ok with this, He knew that it would pass eventually.  He even started joking back with the guys.

“Hey Lover boy!  You may call dibbs on the secretary, but I totally call them on “Hot Cop”.  One tech said in reference to a female security officer they had both seen at the cafeteria earlier in the morning. 

“It’s ok!  Ill survive maybe I’ll just take a trip to the office.”  Matt replied with a courteous smile.  And he did.  He tried to find any reason possible to stop into the office to pick up a tool, a set of keys, or get tape. This day, he did not get the chance to see her but these trips were very productive.    “Hey, who was the new girl, in here yesterday?”

“The new girl?” questioned the girl now taking up residency behind the counter.   “You mean the other secretary?”

“Yeah, she seemed awfully friendly yesterday.” Matt replied

“Oh, that is just how she is,” Said the suspiciously smiling secretary, “She doesn’t know how to not smile.”  

“Yeah I got that feeling when I met her yesterday.” Matt said growing impatient “So who is she?”

The secretary grinned for a second and answered, “Oh, that’s Just Evie”

In life, are there any true romance stories? Boy meets girl, falls madly in love with her. And everyone lives happily ever after. Can this be true? Can love truly be found in such an unexpected way? Or in a world of war, American idol, and Twinkies have we forgotten thoughts of chivalry, honesty and some of the greatest thoughts of beauty, truth, and love.

Of course there is fairytales in our world today, otherwise why would life be worth living. In life the true moments of absolute happiness are bound with realization of the choice of love. The real question is not whether or not you are happy but that you can accept the happiness when it finds your way. Sometimes all you need is a little pinch and then your there.

In this day of age the true happily ever alters, are not easily discovered in the tales of Knights in shining armor, or Princesses, Frogs, or dwarves. You must look into the common man, and discover that the hero that lies inside must push through the web of their minds to fight themselves from destroying the one they are fighting to rescue.

For Matt, he was living his dream. The tall brownish-blonde young man seemed to be jumping with excitement in his seat of his van. The 21-year old had driven the 120 mile trip in record time. The night before, he could not sleep. He lay in bed, dreaming of the summer laid out before him. He was more excited about this step in his career or more than less a leap into starting his career.

He arrived at the human resources office ten minutes before they opened. He sat in his decaying mini-van; the type like a soccer mom would drive. Matt always reasoned that he kept the van was to haul his stuff from point “A” to point “B”. In reality he was not very good with the money he earned. If you would have any of those books that would describe love languages, he would be a gift giver. It has always been his ambitions to be able to travel and take the people he loves with him. He seemed though to fail at the relationship world or even just staying in touch with friends. Although his friends thought of him as a planner, and always were excited to see Matt's plans go through, they always sensed a disconnect from him that they could not pass.

Sitting in his car, Matt went over everything in his mind. He could not believe that he was beginning a summer of working at Paradise, one of those northern seasonal amusement parks that he had visited numerous times in his child hood. It was his dream job. And those who saw him those early days said he had a smile a mile wide. He was his job, and he loved it.

On this first day at the park, they put Matt through his paces. A stop at Human resources to process in, get his identification card, and fill out the normal paper work that those types have you sign. Then it was to wardrobe for two pairs of teal uniform shirt, like the color that people turned after riding a roller coaster and just before their lunch made it back to the known world; and khaki pants that he would wear everyday for the rest of the summer. Finally to the Live Entertainment office, for those awesome safety videos that everyone watches and everyone loves. Finally to meet his supervisors. On that first day, he did not do much work, but he was still excited.

Matt was not an actor, or much of a musician. He was there as an Electrician. They were the guys that made sure that the stage lights were hung properly, and that they worked when they were suppose to. His real passion being able to tell those types where to hang the lights, but for now he was happy and content being in what he would think was love with his job.

Those he worked with became family, big brothers and sisters, and those younger little siblings. They worked together, they ate together, they played together, they lived together. This was a small family of entertainers. They even loved each other. Well in what ever sense of the word that most thought they understood.

Matt was not like that. He was a virgin, and proud of it. Well … Ish. He would never admit that he wasn't just bellow the top layer he wondered if there was something wrong with him, that he could turn a girl down for intercourse. Some where down deep in his soul there was at least an ounce of pride that the almost twenty-two year old had waited for something better. He was not prepared to give up waiting especially if the better was around any given corner.

He also knew that he wanted more when It came to relationships. Matt had not had a relationship that lasted longer than a week, and even that was several years ago. He was looking for more in life and only found satisfaction in the work he did. He spent small amounts of time at any one location, and made sure he hide his heart from those around him. Matt knew he had very passionate emotions, and feared that those around him would discover that.

Matt did nothing but sleep, and eat work. Always with a smile no matter the task asked of him and he loved to do it. Work was his love, it loved him back. The days were long working. He would come into the office in the morning to discover the tasks they would have for him that day, and stop in again at the end of the day to check out. All this seemed pretty routine for him, but he loved it.

He always will remember walking into the office, that fateful day and seeing a sight he will never forget. This trip into the office was as routine as any other day into the office, but as he turned into the office he discovered a new face awaiting him, behind the office counter. Just a glance from this face was out of routine. She was average height, but nothing else about her seemed average. Her smile was like a magnet to his eyes and drew him in closer. The four steps past the counter to the office hall seemed to take more time than he had ever expected. Only simple pleasantries were passed. He could feel her gaze upon him, if only for a moment, as he struggled to find his tempo and resume routine.

The moment he reached the hall he turned to the technician he was walking with and whispered

"I call dibbs!"